1. Don't only weak or really messed up people go to therapy?

Funny idea isn't it? We think smart people use consultants all the time: personal trainers, financial advisors, nutritionists, tax consultants. We never think them weak, now do we? Generally, the people who I see in my office are people who are doing very well in most aspects of their lives. Some come for assistance with working through a particular crisis -- death, divorce, ending relationships, etc. The majority are business and professional people. If we want to be sure we're getting the best advantage, or if we want to be sure of making good decisions we use business consultants, investment advisors, interior designers, and dietitians. Doesn't it make sense to use a professional when you're dealing with something as important as your very own life?

2. How long does therapy take?

Although psychotherapy almost always takes longer than anyone wants it to, progress and effectiveness are slowed dramatically or stopped completely when:
(1) the therapy style is poorly matched to the personality and needs of the client, and when
(2) the real issues are incorrectly identified during the therapy.

3. How do you know when to stop?

I believe clients get to decide to end therapy when they have gotten enough of what they want. It is helpful if the decision to end therapy is discussed with the therapist simply because there are times when it may seem the therapy has plateaued just before important issues arise.

4. How is talking to a therapist different from talking to my friends?

If you have friends to talk with, you are indeed fortunate. Therapy is a particular kind of talking that is really so different from what we do with our friends. I know how to listen at a really deep level, to help you make sense of whatever you are trying to sort through. Since our friends and family care deeply for us, they frequently find it difficult to be objective.

to the top

5. How would I know what to talk about if I came to you?

Lots of people have the experience early in therapy of just "stumbling around in the dark" to find something to talk about. Others are somewhat fixated on a particular theme. Neither is very helpful, so, through many years of experience, I've developed a better way. By drawing on your existing knowledge and experiences, I will help you with skills which get to the bottom of the problem. You even learn to tell when you've gotten "off track," and will be able to get back on when you're ready.

6. Wouldn't you just listen, then tell me what I'm doing wrong?

Most of us get lots of advice, "constructive" criticism, or blind approval from our friends and family. If that were going to work, it probably would have by now and you wouldn't be reading this. Often times people are hesitant to come for therapy because of these experiences with friends and family, and they can't imagine any other way of talking about problems. I have other ways of helping.

7. I saw a therapist before and he didn't say much. Is that the way you do it?

There are times for me to be quiet and listen, to think, to understand. There are other times when you may need and want more. I'll try to be sensitive to that and to explore those needs with you. It's amazing the things that come from this. Sometimes I learn that the client who wants more from me also wants more from his/her spouse. People who feel neglected at home, may feel neglected by me. By being sensitive to those interactions between us, we get to look at some of the touchy things that come up with other people -- these are some of the unique facets of your personality. Amazing changes and insights come from this very thing.

to the top

8. Do you do the same thing with every client?

We are all so different. One person comes in and talks non-stop from the beginning of the first session; another comes in and says little more than "I don't know what to talk about?" ClearlyI have to have different ways of working with these two types of people. Think about the last time someone said to you, "I want to talk to you." About half the people in the world feel as if someone has grabbed them by the throat; the others are thrilled to death that someone is interested. Very different therapy styles are necessary to work with differences in personality styles.

If I say "I think you know how to handle that" one client hears it as a vote of confidence; another hears it as being unresponsive; another hears it as scolding; another as sarcastic. I have to be aware of these subtleties, and then help you see them more clearly. Most always, these are some version of the issues that come up with business associates, friends, partners, and other loved ones.

My experience says that once you really have a handle on what's going on, it will change.

9. What about recovery and self-help groups? Since I go to one, why would I need a therapist?

Certainly many people have and continue to find recovery and other self-help groups helpful. These groups frequently provide a great deal of support and comfort. People often have a sense of belonging there. Other aspects of them that are worth additional consideration.

In these groups it is common to hear people talk about being "stuck." That usually means "I've tried and tried, and things still aren't working out." It usually also means both the individual and the group have run out of ideas. The temptation is to do more, harder, of what already hasn't worked.

I'm inclined to think that when the solution is appropriate, it works.

A simple analogy: It's a little like changing shoes to eliminate foot pain. The pain won't go away if the cause is a broken bone. Incorrect analysis of the problem is the most usual reason for failure of improvement in both self-help and professional situations.

Another way to think about it is this. A group of computer-challenged people would certainly benefit from having a person who is at ease and skillful with computing; otherwise, the group will certainly agree that computers are frustrating; that computer are evil instruments which only make life harder; and they will make little advancement in running a computer more skillfully. It these self-help groups could benefit from professional leadership, why don't they have it?

There are probably many reasons, some of which I'll mention. One is purely a matter of economics. Second, some people believe (because of unpleasant experiences with judgmental people) "you can't understand my problem unless you have had it." It's easier for them to go to a group where they believe they will be free of criticism.

Third, Alcoholics Anonymous is the great grandmother of most of the groups, and when AA was first being developed many years ago there were few if any professionals who worked with alcoholism. A support group of people working to overcome their problems with alcohol was a huge advancement. It's always tempting to stay true to our history.

Are you saying recovery and self-help groups are not good?

Not at all! I've seen statistics that say these groups are effective for about twenty percent of the people who have attended them. If you go to one of these groups, see your life improving, see yourself moving close and closer to your goals of happiness, that's super. If you go and feel as if you're just getting by, then you might want to consider some other avenues.

10. Does life have to be a struggle?

What a hard question! It seems that life has ups and downs, but shouldn't kick your butt at every turn. Probably the same problems don't have to recur, year after year. I personally believe that very, very few, if any, people are so "wounded" or "damaged" that things can't be worked through with some success. Just as a cut in my hand will heal if I look after it properly, so will a wound to my heart and soul. If the cut doesn't heal, I have to find out what is keeping it from healing so it will get better. So it is with my feelings - except that they're more complicated and harder to see. I think that's just the way we're made - with the ability to heal and get better and be happier.

to the top